Watered Silk

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Ok I'm not practicing anymore....what comments/suggestions have you?

Vested clouds in watered silk
malign horizon's view
Jasmine scented sighs caress
in-scented platitudes

Rustle of the willow branches
sweeping touch the grass
Daylight drapes
like silken robes
unhurried shadows pass
Minutes fall unnoticed
as the hours pass with ease
Silence my companion

nothing stirs
on days like these

It sounds like Emily Dickinson to me (especially the first verse)

I think you have too much in here, it is overloaded with good things, but I think you need to be a little more sparing with your metaphors or similes (or whatever they're called)

Also (on re-reading) I think the sound of the words is more satisfying than the sense.
I prefer the second verse....but, I am confused even here by lines such as 'sweeping touch the grass'....which doesn't connect with the line above, and also 'Silence my companion'

Going back to the top
'Vested clouds in watered silk' sounds as if the clouds are all wearing silk vests, is that what you mean? And if 'yes', I can't quite see that imagery.
Am I being horrible? I hope not. I think you have loads of good stuff here and I am being particularly picky because this just needs a little tweaking to be really good.

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